Squinting to See the Green Light

Sometimes when I sit down here to share some of the eureka moments that burst open in my head like fast-forward flowers, the inspiration fizzles. It’s almost as though they’re just for me, or at least for a to-be-determined few.

Part of it, I think, is that I’m just not inspired in this town anymore, or at least not enough to push the “whoa!” of a momentary realization out from my heart and head through my arms and into typing hands. At least not very often. Why is that? I don’t know. I used to be so eager to put pen to paper or fingers to keys. I guess it’s that even though I’m doing completely different things and living in a different abode than when I left “forever” a year and two months ago, it’s the same place with the same stultifying force that slowed this Superball almost to a stop. I become animated in conversation sometimes, especially if it pertains to animals or Ireland or love, but in black and white, I’m just about spent. Good thing I’m leaving “forever” again in a month and a day.

I had the Feeling not long after I first moved here, almost seven years ago, and for a good span after that: an overwhelming strength in knowing what I was doing, even if it didn’t make any sense. I was where I belonged. The certainty welled up as an exultant YESSSSSSS that swept away everything else like a flash flood — or sometimes as a forceful “this will not stand, man!” Or both.

But now it’s like things are dying a little bit at a time, not least of all my old, old grandma. Maybe when her spirit breaks free, so will mine (in a different way, of course — I intend to stay in this body a good long time yet . . . though one never knows, does one?).

It’s almost hard to write about the magic, even though it’s obviously still happening behind and under the scenes, because I remember its full force only from before, when I felt it last. Remembering is not experiencing.

Self-expression is borderline exhausting. I’m weary. But a spark keeps me trudging, keeps these words smoldering out onto the screen for some reason . . . until one fine morning . . . .

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U & I

Okay, so. A lot has been going on. I hardly know where to begin. Sometimes when I get to this point in writing, I abort, because what’s the point? Maybe this is one of those times.

Ohhhhh, except the whole reason I started this post, before a gazillion other thoughts and feelings rushed in, is that I now have every undistributed copy of my novel, U & I: A Wizard’s Quest (not counting the ones CreateSpace prints on demand to fill Amazon orders). There are eleven boxes of these puppies. I want to dispense them all before I move to Ireland (from California) in a month and a half, which means giving them away and/or selling them for cheap. Kind of exciting, because I love giving people things and I’d much rather get my words into the hands of readers who will appreciate them than have them sit in storage indefinitely, even if I don’t recoup the printing cost.

There were 361 copies originally (19 times 19!), including one with a misprinted cover that will probably be worth a million dollars someday, like that stamp with the upside-down airplane. (The weird one will have to go to just the right person. If you think that’s you, tell me why.) I numbered them all as soon as I got them. The numbers are kind of wobbly, because I was hungover and excited.

Soooooo . . . anybody want a copy, or know someone who might? I think it’ll cost me about $9 to mail one anywhere in the U.S. (as I believe it was $8 when I published the book, four years ago — correct me if I’m wrong, and I’ll adjust accordingly), so I’d part with them for $11 each until supplies run out, to cover the padded envelope and trip to town. (If you’re elsewhere in the world, let’s go with . . . $23.) Any of that is negotiable, if we can work out a trade. (As of this writing, the cheapest — used — copy on Amazon is $15.99, including shipping.) As long as I have bookmarks, I’ll include one of those with each copy, too, as well as a dated and signed dedication from me, if you so desire (in which case, please give me the name of the dedicatee and maybe the reason you want the book).

About the novel: It’s a paperback 500-page 6″ x 9″  illustrated fictionalized account of my/your fourteen-month journey all the way west around the world, and the aftermath. It’s about, um, a wizard on a quest . . . and is for anyone who’s interested in:

  • Overlapping realities that include this one
  • Stories that are written directly to you — that bring the reader into them
  • A look through the eyes of a 30- to 31-year-old female adventure-traveler
  • Unicorns
  • Love
  • Quests

And the like.

PayPal me — superball.rex@gmail.com — and include a mailing address.

I think I’ll also leave free copies in strategic locations when I’m out n’ about, for people to find randomly. Ooooooh, that’ll be fun!

The Day After

Okay, so after last night’s flurry of feverish activity that resulted in my first blog post in years, I’m starting to identify inklings of what I want to do with this thing. I want to maintain a practice of candidly sharing my thoughts while I work six days a week and just want to go home and veg at the end of the day. I feel like I might be losing some of my ability to connect with people . . . although that loss might be a result of my new direction that’s forming. In any major life change, people are bound to fall away — or be moved away from — to make room for new ones on their way in.

You know, there’s a gem already: it could be that my problems with myself of late are not so much that I’ve become more judgmental or hypocritical (as one friend has suggested — although that might temporarily be part of it) as it is that I’m in transition. For example, I’m moving toward being more vegetarian again (for ethical reasons), but I’m not strict about it. So what might look like inconsistency from the outside is actually evidence of transformation. I am neither the old thing nor the new. I know in general how I want to live but not how to get there.

For another aspect of this page . . . sure, I would like my novel (U & I: A Wizard’s Quest) to reach people who will benefit from it, but I have the usual creative person’s hesitation when it comes to marketing and promotion. I fantasize about having “people” to do that for me, but then, I usually don’t like to be advertised to, so I want to keep all that in check and wait until people express interest before I talk about what I have to sell. I’m trying to find the best balance: ways to reach readers who really want to know about works like mine without blaring at people who don’t. Anyway . . . the book is set in a magical, somewhat fictional world and is based on some of my world travels. It’s highly allegorical and introspective, whimsical and humorous. I intend to use various quotes from it in the header for this page.

In the same vein, I would like to direct traffic to my GoFundMe campaign for getting back to Ireland for a Writing master’s program at the end of August. Ireland is the only dream I have left — at least the only one I can do anything about. It’s the main reason I’m working six days a week. More on that later, I’m sure.

Finally, for now at least, I would like to practice letting thoughts flow out of me without too much editing or wondering if they’re of value to anyone else. Perhaps everything that ever needs to be said has already been said, but no one has ever said it quite in my way or from my perspective. Even if none of this does any good for anyone else — though I hope it does — it will do some good for me. Helping 1 person, even if it’s just me, is better than helping 0 people.